God is Pushing: Listening in the Dark

Through this whole journey, I have tried to find what it is that God is pointing me at.  I feel like he is shoving me around, trying to make me open my eyes.  See something.  As I have slowly been registering what I think God wants from me.  Several things have come to my attention, to the point where I have gotten to the point with God where I just want to yell, OK, I GET IT!  

I have felt an overwhelming desire to help others like us.  I want to reach out and comfort the families that have been presented with the same situation as us.  I have wanted nothing more than to reach over and hug and comfort women in the pain, the pain that I currently carry in my heart.  This became very apparent at my last doctor's appointment.  We were talking with my doctor, and she informed us that she had just received a call from the maternal fetal specialist that we had just come from.  A couple was on their way over, and they had just received similar news.  Their child would not survive.  Rod and I immediately started picturing the waiting room, trying to figure out which couple it was.  I found myself praying for them, trying to visualize their faces.  As we walked out of the doctors office, a lady walked in.  I looked at Rod and said, "It's her."  I knew, I knew by the pain in her eyes.  It took everything I had not to reach over, and hug her, and simply say, " I know."

God hasn't stopped there.  He has been forcing me at my dream and biggest fear.  I have felt an overwhelming desire to help others, with the passion God gave me from a very young age, photography.  I have spent years planning a business, taking photos for family and friends, but always to scared to really go for it.  The last few weeks, I feel like he has shoved me so hard at it, I can barely keep from stumbling.  I have been fighting with the idea for the last several weeks.  Is this really want he wants, is this really the direction I need to go?  Then I felt like I received a slap so hard, I couldn't deny it anymore.  My oldest brother was in town, and made a statement, that even my husband looked at me and smiled.  He said, "You know how God is, the more you run away from what he wants you to do, the more he shoves you towards it."  All I could do was look at Rod, and say, "Well, that's ironic."  

As I realize our journey of carrying our sweet Tristan is coming to an end, my desires to reach out to others and to truly start my photography career has become nothing but a certainty to me.  After I finish this phase of our journey, and begin the next phase, I plan on using my skill in photography to help myself and others heal.  God gave me a passion when I was very young, I believe he is now expecting me to use that passion to heal my soul and to help others heal theirs.

The journey my family is embarking on has no end.  This is something we never get over, but will have to learn to live in the pain.  It isn't easy, and it is about to get harder, but God is going to provide the comfort for my family.  He is going to provide the ability for me to transition my pain, to the ability to comfort others.  No one chooses this path, it is chosen for you.  Once you are chosen you can do nothing but live each day one day a time.  Some days are easier than others, some you can barely get out of bed.  But each day is a part of this journey and, I have to have the faith that God will always provide me with the comfort and courage I need to get through the day.  I still pray for a miracle, but as the day gets closer, I realize, God may have had a bigger plan for Tristan, and that plan he may have to carry out in the arms of our Lord.