I went to the doctor today for my "weekly" check up. Although this time around I had no fears of her saying those words "he is gone." ( Those words still send chills down my back when I think this could very well be our reality in the future.) Tristan has made his presence well known for the last week by using me as a punching bag and having WWE matches in my stomach. Today was no different, he was rolling around, punching, and kicking like crazy as I entered her office. A wonderful constant reminder that no matter what they say medically, My God is in charge.
I had a lot of questions coming in. I am in that point in my journey that I needed answers. I needed to know "the plan". My amazing doctor, knowing me well after my delivery with Elex and being drilled multiple times before and during this pregnancy, answered most of my questions before I even asked. The plan is for me to deliver naturally rather than c-section. This is more for my safety and for the safety of future pregnancies. I am honestly thrilled that I will get to experience delivery with my son, and be able to get to have him this way. I never got to have that option with Elex because my body refused (even after several medications) to go into labor. I have no fear of physical pain, not because I think I am super human, but because the emotions I will be dealing with that day will be much greater.
So when will this happen, well him making it closer to term is a lot bright now that he is not having the issues they thought he was having with his kidneys. Which we found out today was hydrops, a build up of fluid, a very serious condition that would have shortened his life greatly. So a great praise to my Lord, that is not the case, and the chances of seeing our son while his soul is here is much greater now. Around 34 weeks my doctor will start checking me to see if I am ready to go into labor, but I will not be allowed to go past 37 weeks.
I pray that I will naturally go into labor, this way it will be easier on me and Tristan. It is a possibility that the drugs they give me to send me into labor will send my Tristan home to our Lord. At this point, I am going to have to trust my Lord, to guide my body and doctors into the right choices.
I am starting to have high blood pressure at my doctors visits, so I am going to have to start checking it at home once to twice a day. We are not sure if this is due to anxiety, cause lets face it, doctor visits aren't exactly exciting or if its because my preeclampsia is trying to return. If it continues to rise, I will be required to go into labor. I pray that it is simply from stress, and my blood pressure will stabilize until we can have our beautiful little man.
Many of my questions/demands were focused on after we have him. How long can we keep him with us? Will my recovery look like a normal pregnancy or will I be required to come back more often? I also wanted to make sure that when we were ready to share him with our family, anyone we asked to come in would be allowed to with no issues. It is very important to Rod and I to celebrate Tristan's life with our family, no matter how brief it may be. Tristan is our son, no matter if he lives here or in heaven. We will praise God no matter what his will is. He chose us to carry Tristan, and to tell his story. I plan to never let Tristan's story die, and I hope it reaches the ones it needs. If that is for comfort in their own journey or helping them find their way to Jesus, I refuse to allow his story to die.
I find myself instead of begging God for a miracle, (although there have been times I have broken down and yelled for him to heal him), I find myself like Mary. Simply telling the Lord, The one you love is sick. I know the Lord has the power to heal my son, and at this point, only he does. I also know that healing my son may not be the Lord's will, and either way I must praise him. If I do not, then my sons life is in vain. He is a beautiful amazing miracle of God, he has a purpose on this Earth. Rod and I are simply the messengers for that message. I pray through all of this, no matter the outcome, we please God in this journey.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sometimes...I just break
As Christmas nears I notice that I am struggling more and more with being able to control my emotions. This could very well be the only Christmas I get with Tristan. Little things have set me off, even when I don't realize something will be hard it is. I went to buy a dress for church at motherhood, and when I walked in my heart became heavy. Then I glanced up and I saw a shirt, it said, I love you already. I had to swallow hard, fighting back tears. I looked and looked for a dress. I just wanted to be beautiful for Christmas. I wanted to be beautiful for my baby boy. As I was looking I looked up and again another shirt gave me a stab to the heart, " All I want for Christmas is you baby." For many people that's a play off a song. For me, those were my true wish. All I want is for my baby boy to come home, for him to breath, laugh, play, grow. I was able to swallow back the tears for a while longer, and only had a few tears fall down my face as we drove away. I told Rod how hard it was, and about the shirts that I saw that were like daggers penetrating my heart.
This Sunday we went to church and I as always was prepared to cry. Something about worshiping God, and being in his presence has always gotten me choked up. Now add in the fact with the situation I am faced with, and it means automatic tears. This is only the second time I have been able to go to church since we found out almost five weeks ago. Not because I am angry with God, but because praising him breaks me to pieces. It breaks me because I feel him with me, I feel him holding me. For two weeks I have started to sing and always had to stop half way through the song. The words just bring tears to my eyes, no matter the song. Then this week, as others went to the alter to pray, I lost it. I couldn't pray, I didn't know what to say. I also knew I didn't have too at that moment. God knew what was on my heart, he knew what I was trying to say yet could not find the words. I looked over at Rod to find strength, and instead, I saw tears. He hasn't broken down many times during this time, but that day he did. I lost it. Any control I had I lost it. I always look to him for comfort, and the times I have seen tears in his eyes, I know how bad it is. All the pain hits me. If it is great enough to bring my husband to tears, I know its bad. Just like the day when the doctor told us the news, when I saw the tears in his eyes, I knew. I knew it was bad. The preacher announced that she felt she needed to pray over us, so we were surrounded and they prayed over us. I just let tears roll, what was the use in trying to hold them back. I just let them pour, along with the lovely snot that came with it.
Today we went to the cemetery we plan to bury Tristan in, if the Lord decides that is his will. I cried before we left, knowing that I may have to go there to visit my son. As we arrived at first I was fine. I just thought about how it was out in the country, surrounded by farm land, and forest. It was so peaceful, and it is where some of Rod's family is buried. As I looked around at some of the graves I started to shake. I am not sure how much was from the cold, and how much was from the reality of it all. There was a very good possibility that I would be burying my child there. I was going to have to lay him in the cold ground, instead of a warm bed. I had the visualization of laying him into the ground, and I started to cry. I walked by a few graves that were either still fresh enough where the dirt was still mounded up, and one where it had almost caved in on one side. It sent shivers down my entire body. I had to walk away when I got to the grave that was freshly dug, and awaiting its occupant the next day. The big empty hole, where a body was going to lay, made me sick. I just walked away. I cried as I realized my baby, my Tristan, will be laid to rest in grave. Although it will only be the shell of a body, and not his spirit. It breaks me.
After we returned home, I knew the shirt that broke me down. I had to have. I needed him to know, I needed the world to know that I will always love him. After we returned home, I set off for the second time that day for San Marcus. I went to the store and found the shirt hanging on a mannequin. When I asked where they were, I was told that was the only one they had. It was one size bigger than what I usually buy. I was going to make it work, but I tried it on, to make sure I could. It fit perfectly. God knew, I needed that shirt. He knew I needed something small to bring me peace. As simple as that shirt is, it means the world to me right now. Because it lets everyone know, I will always love him...
If you see me crying, specially around this Christmas Season, please just remember, I am not a disease, I am not crazy. I am hurting. I have to come to terms with the fact that this maybe the only Christmas I get with both my boys. This maybe the only Christmas season I get to sing to both of them, wake up on Christmas morning with both of them, and laugh with both of them. My heart aches for my son, and I continue to pray that God will give us a miracle. I will not give up hope on my son, until he is gone in the grave. The thing is, I have to realize, he may go to a grave. So be gentle with me and my family...Sometimes...we just break.
This Sunday we went to church and I as always was prepared to cry. Something about worshiping God, and being in his presence has always gotten me choked up. Now add in the fact with the situation I am faced with, and it means automatic tears. This is only the second time I have been able to go to church since we found out almost five weeks ago. Not because I am angry with God, but because praising him breaks me to pieces. It breaks me because I feel him with me, I feel him holding me. For two weeks I have started to sing and always had to stop half way through the song. The words just bring tears to my eyes, no matter the song. Then this week, as others went to the alter to pray, I lost it. I couldn't pray, I didn't know what to say. I also knew I didn't have too at that moment. God knew what was on my heart, he knew what I was trying to say yet could not find the words. I looked over at Rod to find strength, and instead, I saw tears. He hasn't broken down many times during this time, but that day he did. I lost it. Any control I had I lost it. I always look to him for comfort, and the times I have seen tears in his eyes, I know how bad it is. All the pain hits me. If it is great enough to bring my husband to tears, I know its bad. Just like the day when the doctor told us the news, when I saw the tears in his eyes, I knew. I knew it was bad. The preacher announced that she felt she needed to pray over us, so we were surrounded and they prayed over us. I just let tears roll, what was the use in trying to hold them back. I just let them pour, along with the lovely snot that came with it.
Today we went to the cemetery we plan to bury Tristan in, if the Lord decides that is his will. I cried before we left, knowing that I may have to go there to visit my son. As we arrived at first I was fine. I just thought about how it was out in the country, surrounded by farm land, and forest. It was so peaceful, and it is where some of Rod's family is buried. As I looked around at some of the graves I started to shake. I am not sure how much was from the cold, and how much was from the reality of it all. There was a very good possibility that I would be burying my child there. I was going to have to lay him in the cold ground, instead of a warm bed. I had the visualization of laying him into the ground, and I started to cry. I walked by a few graves that were either still fresh enough where the dirt was still mounded up, and one where it had almost caved in on one side. It sent shivers down my entire body. I had to walk away when I got to the grave that was freshly dug, and awaiting its occupant the next day. The big empty hole, where a body was going to lay, made me sick. I just walked away. I cried as I realized my baby, my Tristan, will be laid to rest in grave. Although it will only be the shell of a body, and not his spirit. It breaks me.
After we returned home, I knew the shirt that broke me down. I had to have. I needed him to know, I needed the world to know that I will always love him. After we returned home, I set off for the second time that day for San Marcus. I went to the store and found the shirt hanging on a mannequin. When I asked where they were, I was told that was the only one they had. It was one size bigger than what I usually buy. I was going to make it work, but I tried it on, to make sure I could. It fit perfectly. God knew, I needed that shirt. He knew I needed something small to bring me peace. As simple as that shirt is, it means the world to me right now. Because it lets everyone know, I will always love him...
If you see me crying, specially around this Christmas Season, please just remember, I am not a disease, I am not crazy. I am hurting. I have to come to terms with the fact that this maybe the only Christmas I get with both my boys. This maybe the only Christmas season I get to sing to both of them, wake up on Christmas morning with both of them, and laugh with both of them. My heart aches for my son, and I continue to pray that God will give us a miracle. I will not give up hope on my son, until he is gone in the grave. The thing is, I have to realize, he may go to a grave. So be gentle with me and my family...Sometimes...we just break.
24 weeks and 4 days-still kicking
Tristan's booties I found for him today
The shirt I had to have...I love you always...
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Finding Joy in Sorrow
I can't help but be joyful today, and want to just sing at the top of my voice. In fact I even went and bought a hot fudge sundae molten cake from Sonic to celebrate a prayer answered. Tristan is still going to be an angel, and his time here on Earth is limited, but God has answered one of our prayers. At our last sonogram 2 weeks ago we were told that Tristan had some problems with his kidneys and this could cause his life to be shortened. Well today, we found out that Tristan's kidneys are fully functional and he is rather healthy. He is still 3 weeks behind on size, and is weighing in at a whopping 14 ounces.
As of right now, it looks like we maybe able to make it to term. We will go again in four weeks for a sonogram. These are to check and make sure that I am not having issues, and to give us a chance to see our son as much as possible.
Part of me mourns my son, but I continue to see the Lord's blessings even through the hardest times. Today I read a post from a friend, talking about how God must have felt when he gave up his son. How tears must have fallen down his face, knowing, he was handing his only son over to die for us. Thing is, my son will not save the world, but maybe, his story will give someone hope.
I know that it may seem ridiculous to praise God for something that seems insignificant considering my son will still die. But his kidneys being functional, us being able to go to term, gives us a chance to hold our son while he is still on this Earth. Rod may actually get to hold his son while his spirit is still here. We may actually get to tell him that we love him, and that we will see him one day in heaven. We could actually tell him goodbye. Those moments, even if just for a few seconds, would be worth more than us then we could describe.
I just keep singing, I will carry you by Selah in my head. And today, these verses really hit me.
I will praise the One Whos chosen meTo carry youSuch a short timeSuch a long roadAll this madnessBut I knowThat the silenceHas brought me to His voice
As small as this victory may seem, it is still a victory. We shall praise God in even the smallest of victories. We still pray for a miracle for Tristan to be healed, but if that is not his will, then we will still praise him.
As of right now, it looks like we maybe able to make it to term. We will go again in four weeks for a sonogram. These are to check and make sure that I am not having issues, and to give us a chance to see our son as much as possible.
Part of me mourns my son, but I continue to see the Lord's blessings even through the hardest times. Today I read a post from a friend, talking about how God must have felt when he gave up his son. How tears must have fallen down his face, knowing, he was handing his only son over to die for us. Thing is, my son will not save the world, but maybe, his story will give someone hope.
I know that it may seem ridiculous to praise God for something that seems insignificant considering my son will still die. But his kidneys being functional, us being able to go to term, gives us a chance to hold our son while he is still on this Earth. Rod may actually get to hold his son while his spirit is still here. We may actually get to tell him that we love him, and that we will see him one day in heaven. We could actually tell him goodbye. Those moments, even if just for a few seconds, would be worth more than us then we could describe.
I just keep singing, I will carry you by Selah in my head. And today, these verses really hit me.
I will praise the One Whos chosen meTo carry youSuch a short timeSuch a long roadAll this madnessBut I knowThat the silenceHas brought me to His voice
As small as this victory may seem, it is still a victory. We shall praise God in even the smallest of victories. We still pray for a miracle for Tristan to be healed, but if that is not his will, then we will still praise him.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Welcome to our Story
I thought instead of continuing to overwhelm people on Facebook with my novels, I would start a blog to keep everyone updated on what is going on with Tristan. To give everyone a quick update as to where we are right now...
I am 23 weeks pregnant and we are cherishing everyday with our little man. We have begin to attempt to explain things to Elex the best we can by telling him that his little brother will be going to live with Jesus in the sky. He has been very adamant that I am wrong and tells me, "No, he with me." It breaks my heart to think he will not get to play with his little brother.
We continue to pray for a miracle, but are preparing for Jesus to take him home. We are hanging in there the best we can. Emotionally I am all over the place, and have my ups and downs. Things will randomly set me off and I will begin to cry, and other days I have an overwhelming peace and fill full of faith.
Our goal at this point is to enjoy each day with Tristan, and cherish the moments we do have with him. The doctors do not expect him to last to term, so each day, I wait for his movement, and pray he is still with us. So far he and I are both continue to grow, and he is getting stronger. Some days he moves so much I am positive he is trying to be a ninja, and other days I barely get a flutter. We go weekly to check for a heartbeat, because I am to early for movement to be a true indicator. I could go a day or two without movement at this stage and it be normal (although he has moved for me every single day).
We have volunteered to help get a perinatal hospice going in Abilene. We will be the first patients, and will be helping the doctor get things going. I am not sure what all this implies, but Rod and I thought this would be something good come from a hurtful situation. This would allow others in our position to have support, and guidance in their journey to carrying to term (CTT), with an child that has a incompatible to life diagnosis.
We go to the doctor on Wednesday for a sonogram, so check back for updates. I will post on Facebook when I have updated on the blog. Please continue to pray for our family, and for a miracle. We hold on to the Lord, and know that his will, his plan is greater than our own. We will praise him, because he chose us, to carry Roderick Tristan, our Angel Fish.
I am 23 weeks pregnant and we are cherishing everyday with our little man. We have begin to attempt to explain things to Elex the best we can by telling him that his little brother will be going to live with Jesus in the sky. He has been very adamant that I am wrong and tells me, "No, he with me." It breaks my heart to think he will not get to play with his little brother.
We continue to pray for a miracle, but are preparing for Jesus to take him home. We are hanging in there the best we can. Emotionally I am all over the place, and have my ups and downs. Things will randomly set me off and I will begin to cry, and other days I have an overwhelming peace and fill full of faith.
Our goal at this point is to enjoy each day with Tristan, and cherish the moments we do have with him. The doctors do not expect him to last to term, so each day, I wait for his movement, and pray he is still with us. So far he and I are both continue to grow, and he is getting stronger. Some days he moves so much I am positive he is trying to be a ninja, and other days I barely get a flutter. We go weekly to check for a heartbeat, because I am to early for movement to be a true indicator. I could go a day or two without movement at this stage and it be normal (although he has moved for me every single day).
We have volunteered to help get a perinatal hospice going in Abilene. We will be the first patients, and will be helping the doctor get things going. I am not sure what all this implies, but Rod and I thought this would be something good come from a hurtful situation. This would allow others in our position to have support, and guidance in their journey to carrying to term (CTT), with an child that has a incompatible to life diagnosis.
We go to the doctor on Wednesday for a sonogram, so check back for updates. I will post on Facebook when I have updated on the blog. Please continue to pray for our family, and for a miracle. We hold on to the Lord, and know that his will, his plan is greater than our own. We will praise him, because he chose us, to carry Roderick Tristan, our Angel Fish.
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