God Protects Us, In The Last 8

8 weeks remain.  

8 weeks until my whole life changes, my whole world will become different.  Normal will be different for me, my family will have to learn to find joy while living in grief.  8 weeks.

In the last few days, my mind has stopped processing the whole situation.  I have actually started to become excited, and joyful about meeting my sweet Tristan.  I have prayed for God to give me the comfort to enjoy the moments I do have with my son, and to not spend my time with him grieving over his loss but celebrating what time I do receive with him.  I have felt like I am going insane, as the excitement has began to build inside me.  8 weeks, and Roderick Tristan will be in my arms.  8 weeks, and I get to kiss his face, tickle his feet, and look over every inch of his tiny body.  8 weeks, and his daddy will get to hold him for the first time, and melt my heart even more.  8 weeks.

The reality of what happens in 8 weeks stops there.  It's like God has answered my prayer, and is protecting my heart and mind from what happens after these 8 weeks.  After 8 weeks...the thought that has terrified me for the last 9 weeks.  The pain, the grief, the emptiness...I can't seem to process it anymore.  It's like God has reached down, and blocked that part of the process from me.  He guards my heart as we end this process.  He guards my mind from all the fears of the future.  He has given me a joy with this pregnancy that I wasn't sure was possible 9 weeks ago.  Every since we found out our Tristan wasn't coming home I have been a huge mix of emotions.  I have been up one moment, and down the next.  But for the last few days, joy has overcome me.  The joy that a "normal" pregnancy would have towards the end.  The excitement of meeting the human being growing inside you.  The thought of finally holding a miracle in my arms, that God had graciously choose me to carry.  

Maybe that's the very thing holding me together, giving me the joy I have.  God's gracious mercy.  

I know that my son will not be coming home to live with our family.  I know I am about to experience pain beyond my understanding.  I know that my home, my family is about to be attacked harder than ever from the enemy, to turn away from God.  I also know, that even though this is more than I can handle, God has and will handle it for me.  I know that I have been blessed with the most amazing husband, that is going to guard our family and our faith from the enemy.  I know that I do not have to fear the pain, because God has already felt it.  He gave his son, and now I have to give mine.  Tristan may not be here to save the world, but he has a purpose and I will always help him live out his purpose on this Earth.  

8 weeks.

8 weeks and I say hello.  8 weeks and I will have to say goodbye.  8 weeks if I am lucky, I have left with my son.  8 weeks we have left as a family of four. 8 weeks of God's angel living inside of me. 8 weeks and God choose me.  8 weeks and God choose Rod.  8 weeks and God choose Elexander.  8 weeks, and we will find a greater faith and reliance on God that we never knew was possible. I pray for 8, but I know 8 may not even get to be.  All I can do is trust in God, because trusting him is all we have right now.

Romans 8:26-29

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.