It's okay to say his name.

It is okay to say his name.

A very dear friend made a point that he was not sure he could come and see Tristan when he was born.  He just did not know if he could handle trying to celebrate his life, when death was at the door.  People wonder, and have asked, how do you celebrate this life when he will die.  The only way I can answer this, is with this statement: He lived.  He was a life.  No matter what the media, what the government, what society wants us to believe or may say--Roderick Tristan Thompson LIVED!

He never made it out alive from my womb.
He never took a breath of air.
He never cried.
He never opened his eyes.

But HE LIVED!

He had a heart beat.
He could move, punch, and kick.
He could hear my voice.
He could respond to pressure put on him.
He had a soul.
My son LIVED!

His time here on Earth was short.  I never got to take him home.  But no matter what, HE LIVED!

Now Tristan is gone, and his soul has left this place he will continue to live in my heart.  He will continue to live in Rod's heart. He will continue to live in Elex's heart.  His body may not be present, but his love will always surround us.  He is sitting on God's lap, listening to stories of time beginning.  He will be sung to sleep by angels, and will never shed a tear.  My son WILL live.

Tristan has a purpose on this Earth.  A purpose that God knew could not happen if he stayed here with us.  A purpose that everyone that surrounds Tristan and loves him is charged with carrying out.  I know what may plans are now that my son is gone.  I know through my pain, I have to find the beauty.  I know that I will have to take my pain, and share it.  Bring light to something common yet never spoken about.  I have to reach out to others, make this cause known to the world.  Losing an infant is so common, and so many hide in their pain.  They allow it to eat them up in fear of the misunderstanding that surrounds us.

So do not be afraid to say his name, you are not reminding me of my son, I have not forgotten him.
By saying his name, you are letting me know you remember HE LIVED!

I love you my sweet Tristan, you will forever be my angel fish.

Listen for My Voice, Mommy will Always Sing

My Dearest Tristan,

Today we buried you, and said goodbye to your Earthly body.

When we drove up, your mommy and daddy about lost it.  They had dug up your grave in the wrong spot.  We had your service where they had you, and were told they would dig in the correct spot to put you in.  As frustrating as this was, God knew what he was doing.  He had a bigger plan in place, we just had to wait to see it.

Our dear friend, and pastor, Jason Martin, spoke at your funeral.  He spoke of hope, and how to hold onto the hope we have in our Lord.  As he spoke, all I could think about is when you opened your eyes you saw Jesus.  You never knew hate, you never knew pain, you have only known love.

Your Pops, read a poem your Uncle Randy wrote about you and me.  He wrote about how I carried you while you were here on this Earth, and how hard it had to be for me.  But how you are so perfect to God, and you are an angel.  I wouldn't trade our time together for anything on this Earth.  Every moment was a blessing, and an honor to carry you my sweet angel fish.

Towards the end we played our song, I Will Carry You.  I knelt down at your side and I sang to you.  As I sang, the tears stopped falling, and God filled me with peace.

At the very end of the service we released green balloons to you in heaven.  We love you my sweet angel.  I hope you got to see those beautiful green balloons fly towards you.

As we waited around and spoke with the many people that came to say their goodbyes to you, your resting place was dug up.  They finished, and your father picked you up and carried you to your final resting place. He laid you down in the ground, and together we placed the first scoop of dirt into your grave.

Your big brother seeing what mommy and daddy did, wanted to join in.  He picked up a dirt clot and threw it in.  He found it to be so much fun in fact that he continued to throw dirt into your grave.  Don't worry angel, I got onto your big brother for throwing dirt on you.  We watched as family covered your casket, and helped in finishing your final resting spot.

My angel, you are loved by many, and have already inspired more than others do in an entire life time.  I promise to help carry out your legacy, and to never allow your memory to die.  I love you more than words can say.  My heart will always ache for you, and I will always long to wrap my arms around you.  But I know just like today at your funeral, each time I hear a child laugh, you are there telling me to be strong.  Each time I feel the soft breeze I know you are blowing me kisses.  I will meet you in my dreams my angel, and I will hold you there.  Listen for my voice my love, because I will continue to sing our song to you.

I love you my sweet Tristan.  You will always be my Angel Fish.

Love Forever and Always,
Your Mommy

Letter To Tristan, My Angel Fish

My Dearest Tristan,

You left us yesterday and were welcomed at the gates of heaven by ones that love you. Even though your body resides inside of me, I know you are not here. The Lord has taken you home. I may never get to sing to you again, but every time you hear the angels sing know that mommy loves you. My soul will forever sing out to you, my heart will forever ache, and my arms will feel empty until I am called home.

Today, your earthly body will join us here and I will get to kiss your sweet face.  Know that I will never regret giving you life, and carrying you till you heart stopped here.  I know that you will forever live on in my heart. I promise I will never let your memory die, and I will help fulfill your purpose on this Earth.

I love you my sweet angel fish.

Love forever and always,
Mommy