Grief is a roller coaster ride, you are never sure what kind of day you are going to have. One day I may be over whelmed with peace and hope, and the next day (or sometimes hour) barely be able to put one foot in front of the other. I never know what the day will hold, and sometimes it takes a while to even see what kind of day it is going to be. I try to look at each day as a good day. I get up to wake up next to the man of my dreams (actually better), and I have the sweetest little boy in the world giving me kisses and hugs every morning. So how could it be a bad day right?...Yeah, then grief hits.
Today was no different. I was tired to start with since this lovely weather has caused both Elex and I both allergies and cold problems. I was dragging through the day, barely making it through with my kiddos at school. Today was very much so a, my body is here, my mind is not. I tried to stay focused on school work, and getting things done for my class. But I would find myself staring into space, completely lost. I was out of it, but my grief or what I call reality hitting me, didn't set in until after school. As I was walking to my car, tears started to flow. I had sunglasses to cover my face in case I ran into any students. I got into my car and they just fell, I drove away, trying to think of the "big game" and what I was going to cook. I found myself sitting in the middle of Walmart parking lot, crying in my car. I couldn't control it. I was in complete devastation. Why? What was it that just hit me like a wrecking ball. Out of no where I was crying uncontrollably. Then I remembered the text I sent my sister right before I left school, the text of frustration.
So what broke me down? All the things I don't get to do..
I don't get to have a baby shower
I don't get to go and register for baby stuff at the store
I don't get to pick out cute clothes
I don't get to have maternity pictures taken
(I had my brother take a few for me at Thanksgiving, but we don't know when I will have this little boy, so I will never get to see how large I really get other than my lovely bathroom selfies I take each week.)
I don't get to have that coveted moment of my husband in the nursery, holding our baby up, showing him off to all that have gathered (this is always my favorite part, watching the new dad with the baby in the nursery)
I don't get to dedicate my son at church, on Mothers Day
These are all things that are so simple, and so taken for granted by most. Honestly, I have never had a "normal" baby shower. My baby showers fell after I already had the baby with Elex since I was sent into the hospital so early with pre eclampsia. I did get to register at the store with my husband, which was actually a blast, and I picked out some perfect outfits for my little man. I never did really get to have maternity pictures taken, I was only able to set up a few shots at home while I was home for two days in between hospital stays (three days later I delivered Elex). Rod never got that moment in the nursery being able to show his son off. Elex was rushed to the NICU immediately after delivery. We did dedicate Elex at church though, and it was the best mother's day, my first as a mommy, and it will always mean so much to me. I find myself just wishing, I could have a normal pregnancy. That I could have the "normal" stuff that everyone else gets, but once again...I drew the short straw. For whatever reason, I just can't be normal.
What I would give, to have a normal pregnancy.
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