2014...I am not ready for you.

For the last few days I have barely been able to put one foot in front of the other.  I thought I was getting sick, it didn't seem to matter how much sleep I got, I still feel like I am just barely able to function.  Today I realized that other than my lovely allergies my exhaustion was coming from the pain in my heart.

As everyone entered the new year with joy, and looking forward to things to come, reality hit me.  I was greeting the new year with a heavy heart.  This year is going to be the hardest year of my life.  This year is going to bring more pain than I have ever experienced.  I am going to have to learn to be a new person, a person that will always have a piece of me missing.  My family is going to have to learn to be a different kind of family, one that will always have a hole.  

My heart hurts more and more as the days pass by.  I realize that I am one day closer....closer to the pain.  Part of me is filled with joy when I think about meeting my little boy for the first time.  I can't wait to see his sweet face, and kiss him.  I can't wait to hold him close, and tell him how much I love him.  I can't wait to look at each of his features and decide if they are his daddy's or mine.  Part of my heart rejoices, I get to hold one of God's many miracles.  Then it becomes sad, I am going to have to give up my son.  I am going to have to say goodbye, as soon as I say hello.  I am going to have to hand my son over the God.  I am going to have to have a nurse take him away, for me to never see psychically again.  I am going to have to go home to an empty crib, and an empty room.  I won't have the joy of waking up multiple times during the night to my son crying, and being able to rock him as I feed him.  I won't get the joy of watching my husband get home, and wrapping his little boy up in his arms.  I am not going to get to watch him hold both our little boys on his chest, while they watch sports together.  

A part of me will always be missing.  I am going to have to learn to be a different kind of person.  I am going to have to learn to live in constant grief.  This year, we will change, in a way we never imagined we would have to as a family.  This year instead of having a resolution, I am just going to take each day at a time.  I am not going to make any long term goals.  But learn to listen more closely to my heart and God.

So what does 2014 mean to me?

2014 means cherishing every moment I have left with this little boy.  I am not sure when God is going to take him home, but I know the longest I will be allowed to have with him is about 11 weeks. (Although, I still pray for a miracle, and hope God gives him to me till he grows old.)

2014 means I am going to have to learn to be a different person, and learn to live in grief.

2014 means giving my pain, my heartache to the Lord.  I am going to have to learn to let go of things, and just remember that his plans (even if I hate them very much) are greater than mine.

2014 means shutting up, stop planning, and opening my heart to what in the world God is trying to tell me.  My heart has been so heavy, and I feel like God is trying to point me in a direction, I am just not sure where, why or what.  

2014 means getting to see my oldest brother and his family for the first time in three years...with empty arms, and a torn heart.

2014 means many things that I do not even realize it holds

2014 means trying to not cry each time I see a mother holding her new baby. Trying not to be jealous, and judgmental asking why she got to keep her baby?

2014 means trying to rejoice for each new life that is born on this earth (cause lets face it, EVERYONE IS PREGNANT!), and not yelling at God, why me?  Why must I lose my child, and they get to keep theirs?  I must learn to overcome the anger, and pain I feel when I see their perfect little heads on their sonograms.

2014 means falling in complete devastation at the feet of the Lord, asking him to heal me.

2014 means falling even more deeply in love with my husband.  He is my rock, and I cannot imagine my life without his unyielding faith.  I pray he only knows the depth of my love for him, and how incredibly blessed I feel that I get to call him mine.

2014 means holding my sweet Elex and stealing as many kisses and hugs as I can.  Praying over him multiple times a day, and teaching him all I can about his little brother, and the Lord.

2014 means, leaving all the unknown to God, and allowing him to direct us.  

So please don't judge the dark circles under my eyes. Don''t take it personally if I snap at you or ignore you online.  Don't think because I walk away in a the middle of a conversation I am trying to be rude.  Understand that if you say/ask something like, "how are you?", "God always has a plan," "God needed  another angel," "you are so strong," "your faith is so strong", and I look at you like you are crazy or grunt.  It's because I feel like crap, and there is no way I am suppose to feel good about this.  I know God has a plan, but that doesn't mean I like it.  Don't tell me he needed another angel, he didn't ask for yours. I am NOT strong, I being held up only by the Lord and my husband.  Just because I say I trust in the Lord, doesn't mean I don't yell at him.  It doesn't mean I haven't begged for him to heal my child.  It does not mean I have not slammed my fist into the wall, and screamed at him, why me?  But I know that I have the choice of either running to him, and having him hold me up, or running away from him blaming him for something I do not understand.

My heart hurts, more than I can describe, so through this time.
Just remember, I am simply trying to survive.

Roderick Tristan Thompson, you are loved more than you will ever know.