"The Plan"

I went to the doctor today for my "weekly" check up.  Although this time around I had no fears of her saying those words "he is gone." ( Those words still send chills down my back when I think this could very well be our reality in the future.) Tristan has made his presence well known for the last week by using me as a punching bag and having WWE matches in my stomach.  Today was no different, he was rolling around, punching, and kicking like crazy as I entered her office. A wonderful constant reminder that no matter what they say medically, My God is in charge.

I had a lot of questions coming in.  I am in that point in my journey that I needed answers.  I needed to know "the plan".  My amazing doctor, knowing me well after my delivery with Elex and being drilled multiple times before and during this pregnancy, answered most of my questions before I even asked.  The plan is for me to deliver naturally rather than c-section.  This is more for my safety and for the safety of future pregnancies.  I am honestly thrilled that I will get to experience delivery with my son, and be able to get to have him this way.  I never got to have that option with Elex because my body refused (even after several medications) to go into labor.  I have no fear of physical pain, not because I think I am super human, but because the emotions I will be dealing with that day will be much greater.

 So when will this happen, well him making it closer to term is a lot bright now that he is not having the issues they thought he was having with his kidneys.  Which we found out today was hydrops, a build up of fluid, a very serious condition that would have shortened his life greatly.  So a great praise to my Lord, that is not the case, and the chances of seeing our son while his soul is here is much greater now. Around 34 weeks my doctor will start checking me to see if I am ready to go into labor, but I will not be allowed to go past 37 weeks.

I pray that I will naturally go into labor, this way it will be easier on me and Tristan.  It is a possibility that the drugs they give me to send me into labor will send my Tristan home to our Lord.  At this point, I am going to have to trust my Lord, to guide my body and doctors into the right choices.

I am starting to have high blood pressure at my doctors visits, so I am going to have to start checking it at home once to twice a day.  We are not sure if this is due to anxiety, cause lets face it, doctor visits aren't exactly exciting or if its because my preeclampsia is trying to return.  If it continues to rise, I will be required to go into labor.  I pray that it is simply from stress, and my blood pressure will stabilize until we can have our beautiful little man.

Many of my questions/demands were focused on after we have him.  How long can we keep him with us?  Will my recovery look like a normal pregnancy or will I be required to come back more often?   I also wanted to make sure that when we were ready to share him with our family, anyone we asked to come in would be allowed to with no issues.  It is very important to Rod and I to celebrate Tristan's life with our family, no matter how brief it may be.  Tristan is our son, no matter if he lives here or in heaven.  We will praise God no matter what his will is.  He chose us to carry Tristan, and to tell his story.  I plan to never let Tristan's story die, and I hope it reaches the ones it needs.  If that is for comfort in their own journey or helping them find their way to Jesus, I refuse to allow his story to die.

I find myself instead of begging God for a miracle, (although there have been times I have broken down and yelled for him to heal him), I find myself like Mary.  Simply telling the Lord, The one you love is sick.  I know the Lord has the power to heal my son, and at this point, only he does.  I also know that healing my son may not be the Lord's will, and either way I must praise him.  If I do not, then my sons life is in vain.  He is a beautiful amazing miracle of God, he has a purpose on this Earth.  Rod and I are simply the messengers for that message.  I pray through all of this, no matter the outcome, we please God in this journey.