You know those pregnant women that complain, about how much longer they have. How miserable they are because they are so large, and just want their baby to come out already. If you are one of those, stop, and cherish every single moment you have. Some of us are begging for the time you are wishing away. With my first child, my time to grow him big and strong within me was cut short due to preeclampsia. He was born 6 weeks early, and I have been blessed beyond imagination that he is healthy, and does not have any developmental issues due to being premature. It took me over a year to stop blaming myself for what I thought was my body failing my son. For two weeks I wept each night with my heart aching in pain for him to be home. I spent almost my entire day at the hospital, because I refused to leave his side. I would be forced out of the NICU at night, for a nurses change and my mother dragging me out to get some sleep. I thought that pain couldn't be matched....then Tristan came along.
My emotions have been all over the place since we found out Tristan's diagnosis back in November. I have always had days that the emotions of actually losing my child have been overwhelming. I have broken down, and I have not cared who was there to see it. I have had days of overwhelming hope and faith that God will heal him. I know he can, and I have just expected it to happen. Then yesterday happen, reality is starting to truly set in. I am not sure how much of it was seeing him, and realizing it is all happening or how much was it being in the exact same room with the exact same technician when we found out Tristan's diagnosis. (On an unrelated noted, that technician was AMAZING once again, and told us she has been praying for us. She also checked to make sure we had a church home to help support us. She told me anything I wanted to know about my son, and got me any picture I wanted of him.)
We had a check up sonogram yesterday. Tristan is still growing, but at an extremely low rate. He is measuring close to 5 weeks behind, and still only weighing about 1 lb. He seems to not have the ability to swallow, which is causing my amniotic fluid levels to increase. I am still in what is considered the normal range, but only by 1 cm. Although this is still a day by day, having to much fluid can send me into preterm labor. The doctor informed me that I could go the rest of my pregnancy with this same amount of fluid in me or my fluid may increase. And it may not matter anyways, I could still just go into labor at any moment. I have been informed I am likely to go into preterm labor simply because of his condition, and all the mechanics that work with a pregnant body carrying a child with this kind of condition. Health wise, Tristan is living happily and safely within the walls of my womb. I am healthy, and I am gradually starting to be able to control my blood pressure at the doctors office, so no signs of preeclampsia thus far.
As of now, we are both healthy, and my body is keeping my son alive. I pray for as much time as God will allow. I pray to naturally go into labor, so I won't have to be induced which could very well send him home to our Lord. I pray that we can hold him while he is still on this earth. I hope Rod and I both get the chance to tell him how much we love him, and kiss his sweet face. I pray that Elex gets to meet his baby brother, and gets to tickle him and tell him he loves him just once. I pray that my parents, and my in laws get to hold their grandson one time and get to say goodbye. I pray at the very least, that Rod and I are able to say good bye to our son, and tell him how much he is loved.
At this point I am fully aware that it does not seem like it is God's will to heal my son, but as I have said before. I will not give hope for his healing until he is gone in the grave. I know no matter what happens God will provide. I may freak out at times over the agony of it all or the financial burden we are about to endure. But I know, God will provide, for everything. I just have to believe that he will provide me with the strength and comfort I need.
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