The Peace Within Me

I sit here in complete dismay.  Was it all a dream?  It just seems like it never really happened.  I was never pregnant; he never came and left us.  It was all just a bad dream.  But to think back to Nov. 20^th on that day when the doctor said something is wrong, and your son cannot survive.  That day the specialist said, there is nothing we can do.  The day, the moment, the sonogram technician placed the still image on the screen, and I knew you were gone.  The moments of holding your precious, still body in my arms, and running my finger across your nose, kissing the coldness of your face.  I remember, every single heart wrenching second.

So why do I feel like it was forever ago?  It has only been two weeks.  Why does my heart feel at peace, although empty?  Why can I see your things and not cry, and smile when I hear your name? Is something wrong with me? Why am I starting to itch to move forward with our lives?  Do I not love you enough?  Am I failing you as a mother once more?  My constant prayer for peace, even without understanding, without understanding the why, has the Lord simply answered my plea…already?

I don’t really know what I feel, but I know I love my oldest with such love and desperation that I never knew was possible.  I know that I look to my husband for strength and comfort I never imagined I would need.  I know that I beg the Lord daily to give me guidance, and peace, and I find a greater comfort in his word then I have ever known.

Peace, how have I found you in such grief?   How can I stand looking at the pictures of my angel thinking, with such determination, your memory will not die!  I refuse to allow you to go silently.  Why am I so hell bent on yelling out your story to the world, so others, like us, will never have to suffer silently.  Why do I feel such a strong urge to reach out, and lift up other grieving mothers?  Why do I feel the necessity to stand before others and yell, you are not a MEMORY, you are ALIVE, and you are MY SON.  YOU are the very reason people need to see, that LIFE is not determined by the seconds in which a heart beats on this earth!

Peace has found me, because although your body is no longer on this earth, YOU LIVE inside of me.  You gave me my purpose, you made me stronger, you made me more determined, you made me more faithful.  I will love you forever my son.   I will always carry you in my heart, and I will continue to live out your memory and purpose on this Earth. 

Till I see you again, I promise to make you proud. I love you my sweet Tristan, my angel fish.

*photo courtesy of Faith Hope Love Photography