Listen for My Voice, Mommy will Always Sing

My Dearest Tristan,

Today we buried you, and said goodbye to your Earthly body.

When we drove up, your mommy and daddy about lost it.  They had dug up your grave in the wrong spot.  We had your service where they had you, and were told they would dig in the correct spot to put you in.  As frustrating as this was, God knew what he was doing.  He had a bigger plan in place, we just had to wait to see it.

Our dear friend, and pastor, Jason Martin, spoke at your funeral.  He spoke of hope, and how to hold onto the hope we have in our Lord.  As he spoke, all I could think about is when you opened your eyes you saw Jesus.  You never knew hate, you never knew pain, you have only known love.

Your Pops, read a poem your Uncle Randy wrote about you and me.  He wrote about how I carried you while you were here on this Earth, and how hard it had to be for me.  But how you are so perfect to God, and you are an angel.  I wouldn't trade our time together for anything on this Earth.  Every moment was a blessing, and an honor to carry you my sweet angel fish.

Towards the end we played our song, I Will Carry You.  I knelt down at your side and I sang to you.  As I sang, the tears stopped falling, and God filled me with peace.

At the very end of the service we released green balloons to you in heaven.  We love you my sweet angel.  I hope you got to see those beautiful green balloons fly towards you.

As we waited around and spoke with the many people that came to say their goodbyes to you, your resting place was dug up.  They finished, and your father picked you up and carried you to your final resting place. He laid you down in the ground, and together we placed the first scoop of dirt into your grave.

Your big brother seeing what mommy and daddy did, wanted to join in.  He picked up a dirt clot and threw it in.  He found it to be so much fun in fact that he continued to throw dirt into your grave.  Don't worry angel, I got onto your big brother for throwing dirt on you.  We watched as family covered your casket, and helped in finishing your final resting spot.

My angel, you are loved by many, and have already inspired more than others do in an entire life time.  I promise to help carry out your legacy, and to never allow your memory to die.  I love you more than words can say.  My heart will always ache for you, and I will always long to wrap my arms around you.  But I know just like today at your funeral, each time I hear a child laugh, you are there telling me to be strong.  Each time I feel the soft breeze I know you are blowing me kisses.  I will meet you in my dreams my angel, and I will hold you there.  Listen for my voice my love, because I will continue to sing our song to you.

I love you my sweet Tristan.  You will always be my Angel Fish.

Love Forever and Always,
Your Mommy

Letter To Tristan, My Angel Fish

My Dearest Tristan,

You left us yesterday and were welcomed at the gates of heaven by ones that love you. Even though your body resides inside of me, I know you are not here. The Lord has taken you home. I may never get to sing to you again, but every time you hear the angels sing know that mommy loves you. My soul will forever sing out to you, my heart will forever ache, and my arms will feel empty until I am called home.

Today, your earthly body will join us here and I will get to kiss your sweet face.  Know that I will never regret giving you life, and carrying you till you heart stopped here.  I know that you will forever live on in my heart. I promise I will never let your memory die, and I will help fulfill your purpose on this Earth.

I love you my sweet angel fish.

Love forever and always,
Mommy

God is Pushing: Listening in the Dark

Through this whole journey, I have tried to find what it is that God is pointing me at.  I feel like he is shoving me around, trying to make me open my eyes.  See something.  As I have slowly been registering what I think God wants from me.  Several things have come to my attention, to the point where I have gotten to the point with God where I just want to yell, OK, I GET IT!  

I have felt an overwhelming desire to help others like us.  I want to reach out and comfort the families that have been presented with the same situation as us.  I have wanted nothing more than to reach over and hug and comfort women in the pain, the pain that I currently carry in my heart.  This became very apparent at my last doctor's appointment.  We were talking with my doctor, and she informed us that she had just received a call from the maternal fetal specialist that we had just come from.  A couple was on their way over, and they had just received similar news.  Their child would not survive.  Rod and I immediately started picturing the waiting room, trying to figure out which couple it was.  I found myself praying for them, trying to visualize their faces.  As we walked out of the doctors office, a lady walked in.  I looked at Rod and said, "It's her."  I knew, I knew by the pain in her eyes.  It took everything I had not to reach over, and hug her, and simply say, " I know."

God hasn't stopped there.  He has been forcing me at my dream and biggest fear.  I have felt an overwhelming desire to help others, with the passion God gave me from a very young age, photography.  I have spent years planning a business, taking photos for family and friends, but always to scared to really go for it.  The last few weeks, I feel like he has shoved me so hard at it, I can barely keep from stumbling.  I have been fighting with the idea for the last several weeks.  Is this really want he wants, is this really the direction I need to go?  Then I felt like I received a slap so hard, I couldn't deny it anymore.  My oldest brother was in town, and made a statement, that even my husband looked at me and smiled.  He said, "You know how God is, the more you run away from what he wants you to do, the more he shoves you towards it."  All I could do was look at Rod, and say, "Well, that's ironic."  

As I realize our journey of carrying our sweet Tristan is coming to an end, my desires to reach out to others and to truly start my photography career has become nothing but a certainty to me.  After I finish this phase of our journey, and begin the next phase, I plan on using my skill in photography to help myself and others heal.  God gave me a passion when I was very young, I believe he is now expecting me to use that passion to heal my soul and to help others heal theirs.

The journey my family is embarking on has no end.  This is something we never get over, but will have to learn to live in the pain.  It isn't easy, and it is about to get harder, but God is going to provide the comfort for my family.  He is going to provide the ability for me to transition my pain, to the ability to comfort others.  No one chooses this path, it is chosen for you.  Once you are chosen you can do nothing but live each day one day a time.  Some days are easier than others, some you can barely get out of bed.  But each day is a part of this journey and, I have to have the faith that God will always provide me with the comfort and courage I need to get through the day.  I still pray for a miracle, but as the day gets closer, I realize, God may have had a bigger plan for Tristan, and that plan he may have to carry out in the arms of our Lord.

God Protects Us, In The Last 8

8 weeks remain.  

8 weeks until my whole life changes, my whole world will become different.  Normal will be different for me, my family will have to learn to find joy while living in grief.  8 weeks.

In the last few days, my mind has stopped processing the whole situation.  I have actually started to become excited, and joyful about meeting my sweet Tristan.  I have prayed for God to give me the comfort to enjoy the moments I do have with my son, and to not spend my time with him grieving over his loss but celebrating what time I do receive with him.  I have felt like I am going insane, as the excitement has began to build inside me.  8 weeks, and Roderick Tristan will be in my arms.  8 weeks, and I get to kiss his face, tickle his feet, and look over every inch of his tiny body.  8 weeks, and his daddy will get to hold him for the first time, and melt my heart even more.  8 weeks.

The reality of what happens in 8 weeks stops there.  It's like God has answered my prayer, and is protecting my heart and mind from what happens after these 8 weeks.  After 8 weeks...the thought that has terrified me for the last 9 weeks.  The pain, the grief, the emptiness...I can't seem to process it anymore.  It's like God has reached down, and blocked that part of the process from me.  He guards my heart as we end this process.  He guards my mind from all the fears of the future.  He has given me a joy with this pregnancy that I wasn't sure was possible 9 weeks ago.  Every since we found out our Tristan wasn't coming home I have been a huge mix of emotions.  I have been up one moment, and down the next.  But for the last few days, joy has overcome me.  The joy that a "normal" pregnancy would have towards the end.  The excitement of meeting the human being growing inside you.  The thought of finally holding a miracle in my arms, that God had graciously choose me to carry.  

Maybe that's the very thing holding me together, giving me the joy I have.  God's gracious mercy.  

I know that my son will not be coming home to live with our family.  I know I am about to experience pain beyond my understanding.  I know that my home, my family is about to be attacked harder than ever from the enemy, to turn away from God.  I also know, that even though this is more than I can handle, God has and will handle it for me.  I know that I have been blessed with the most amazing husband, that is going to guard our family and our faith from the enemy.  I know that I do not have to fear the pain, because God has already felt it.  He gave his son, and now I have to give mine.  Tristan may not be here to save the world, but he has a purpose and I will always help him live out his purpose on this Earth.  

8 weeks.

8 weeks and I say hello.  8 weeks and I will have to say goodbye.  8 weeks if I am lucky, I have left with my son.  8 weeks we have left as a family of four. 8 weeks of God's angel living inside of me. 8 weeks and God choose me.  8 weeks and God choose Rod.  8 weeks and God choose Elexander.  8 weeks, and we will find a greater faith and reliance on God that we never knew was possible. I pray for 8, but I know 8 may not even get to be.  All I can do is trust in God, because trusting him is all we have right now.

Romans 8:26-29

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

How Blessed Am I

My oldest brother, Randy, wrote me this poem.  He lives in England, and he got to meet my Tristan while he was still in my tummy this weekend.  I was super excited to see him for the first time in 3 years, and cannot wait until him and his family return in July.  I just wish I wasn't going to have empty arms.  I plan on reading this at Tristan's funeral, so a part of Randy can be there, and because it is so perfect.  For all you women that have lost a child, I hope this brings you as much comfort as it has me.

How Blessed Am I

How blessed am I

to be a part of God's plan

to carry a child

a perfect little man

The hands of God

have been at work in me

a creation so wonderfully and beautifully made

Sadly I am full of sorrow

for my child will not grow up

to live with me tomorrow

By heavens standards

he's perfect in every way

But on this Earth

he will not be allowed to stay

How can I be blessed

when I feel this much pain

It's hard to wrap my mind around it

I scream, I cry, and feel insane

My God, My God

have you forsaken me?

Why so soon

does he have to be with thee?

I do not understand

God's sovereign plan

Why does this child have to leave me?

Why does this have to be?

But I know of God's promise

a life beyond what we know

a place of rejoicing

where the faithful will surely go

So in the midst of my grief

I'll cling to his word

I'll still be kicking and screaming

But I know my prayers are heard

So how blessed am I?

So very much so

Even though I don't comprehend

it's more than I can ever know

For I was chosen by God

to help create a child

to carry an angel

even if only for a little while

By: Randy Leach

Praying for More Time

You know those pregnant women that complain, about how much longer they have.  How miserable they are because they are so large, and just want their baby to come out already.  If you are one of those, stop, and cherish every single moment you have.  Some of us are begging for the time you are wishing away. With my first child, my time to grow him big and strong within me was cut short due to preeclampsia.  He was born 6 weeks early, and I have been blessed beyond imagination that he is healthy, and does not have any developmental issues due to being premature.  It took me over a year to stop blaming myself for what I thought was my body failing my son.  For two weeks I wept each night with my heart aching in pain for him to be home.  I spent almost my entire day at the hospital, because I refused to leave his side.  I would be forced out of the NICU at night, for a nurses change and my mother dragging me out to get some sleep.  I thought that pain couldn't be matched....then Tristan came along.

My emotions have been all over the place since we found out Tristan's diagnosis back in November.  I have always had days that the emotions of actually losing my child have been overwhelming.  I have broken down, and I have not cared who was there to see it.  I have had days of overwhelming hope and faith that God will heal him.  I know he can, and I have just expected it to happen.  Then yesterday happen, reality is starting to truly set in.  I am not sure how much of it was seeing him, and realizing it is all happening or how much was it being in the exact same room with the exact same technician when we found out Tristan's diagnosis.  (On an unrelated noted, that technician was AMAZING once again, and told us she has been praying for us.  She also checked to make sure we had a church home to help support us.  She told me anything I wanted to know about my son, and got me any picture I wanted of him.)

We had a check up sonogram yesterday.  Tristan is still growing, but at an extremely low rate.  He is measuring close to 5 weeks behind, and still only weighing about 1 lb.  He seems to not have the ability to swallow, which is causing my amniotic fluid levels to increase.  I am still in what is considered the normal range, but only by 1 cm.  Although this is still a day by day, having to much fluid can send me into preterm labor.  The doctor informed me that I could go the rest of my pregnancy with this same amount of fluid in me or my fluid may increase.  And it may not matter anyways, I could still just go into labor at any moment.  I have been informed I am likely to go into preterm labor simply because of his condition, and all the mechanics that work with a pregnant body carrying a child with this kind of condition.  Health wise, Tristan is living happily and safely within the walls of my womb.  I am healthy, and I am gradually starting to be able to control my blood pressure at the doctors office, so no signs of preeclampsia thus far.

As of now, we are both healthy, and my body is keeping my son alive.  I pray for as much time as God will allow.  I pray to naturally go into labor, so I won't have to be induced which could very well send him home to our Lord.  I pray that we can hold him while he is still on this earth.  I hope Rod and I both get the chance to tell him how much we love him, and kiss his sweet face.  I pray that Elex gets to meet his baby brother, and gets to tickle him and tell him he loves him just once.  I pray that my parents, and my in laws get to hold their grandson one time and get to say goodbye.  I pray at the very least, that Rod and I are able to say good bye to our son, and tell him how much he is loved.

At this point I am fully aware that it does not seem like it is God's will to heal my son, but as I have said before.  I will not give hope for his healing until he is gone in the grave.  I know no matter what happens God will provide.  I may freak out at times over the agony of it all or the financial burden we are about to endure. But I know, God will provide, for everything.  I just have to believe that he will provide me with the strength and comfort I need.

I Wish I Could Be Normal

Grief is a roller coaster ride, you are never sure what kind of day you are going to have.  One day I may be over whelmed with peace and hope, and the next day (or sometimes hour) barely be able to put one foot in front of the other.  I never know what the day will hold, and sometimes it takes a while to even see what kind of day it is going to be.  I try to look at each day as a good day.  I get up to wake up next to the man of my dreams (actually better), and I have the sweetest little boy in the world giving me kisses and hugs every morning.  So how could it be a bad day right?...Yeah, then grief hits.

Today was no different.  I was tired to start with since this lovely weather has caused both Elex and I both allergies and cold problems.  I was dragging through the day, barely making it through with my kiddos at school.  Today was very much so a, my body is here, my mind is not.  I tried to stay focused on school work, and getting things done for my class.  But I would find myself staring into space, completely lost.  I was out of it, but my grief or what I call reality hitting me, didn't set in until after school.  As I was walking to my car, tears started to flow.  I had sunglasses to cover my face in case I ran into any students.  I got into my car and they just fell, I drove away, trying to think of the "big game" and what I was going to cook.  I found myself sitting in the middle of Walmart parking lot, crying in my car. I couldn't control it.  I was in complete devastation.  Why?  What was it that just hit me like a wrecking ball.  Out of no where I was crying uncontrollably.  Then I remembered the text I sent my sister right before I left school, the text of frustration.

So what broke me down?  All the things I don't get to do..

I don't get to have a baby shower

I don't get to go and register for baby stuff at the store

I don't get to pick out cute clothes

I don't get to have maternity pictures taken
  (I had my brother take a few for me at Thanksgiving, but we don't know when I will have this little boy, so I will never get to see how large I really get other than my lovely bathroom selfies I take each week.)

I don't get to have that coveted moment of my husband in the nursery, holding our baby up, showing him off to all that have gathered (this is always my favorite part, watching the new dad with the baby in the nursery)

I don't get to dedicate my son at church, on Mothers Day

These are all things that are so simple, and so taken for granted by most.  Honestly, I have never had a "normal" baby shower.  My baby showers fell after I already had the baby with Elex since I was sent into the hospital so early with pre eclampsia.  I did get to register at the store with my husband, which was actually a blast, and I picked out some perfect outfits for my little man.  I never did really get to have maternity pictures taken, I was only able to set up a few shots at home while I was home for two days in between hospital stays (three days later I delivered Elex).  Rod never got that moment in the nursery being able to show his son off.  Elex was rushed to the NICU immediately after delivery.  We did dedicate Elex at church though, and it was the best mother's day, my first as a mommy, and it will always mean so much to me. I find myself just wishing, I could have a normal pregnancy.  That I could have the "normal" stuff that everyone else gets, but once again...I drew the short straw.  For whatever reason, I just can't be normal.

What I would give, to have a normal pregnancy.