Proof of Love

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. 

But the greatest of these is love.  

For as long as I can remember 1 Corinthians 13:13 has been my favorite verse.  I know it seems so cliche, but it has been.  Something about having to have faith, and hope to get through life but meaning nothing without love has always spoken to me.

As I pondered on my new reality today.  I just kept relaying the facts through my mind.
My son was diagnosed with a random neural tube defect.
I couldn't have done anything about it.
I carried him, his entire life.
We chose to carry him.
Well it wasn't a choice, he was life, and we wanted his life.
I got 12 amazing and excruciating extra weeks with him.
He lived for 32 weeks.
He died on February 13th.
I delivered him on February 14th.
My son is dead.
He is gone.

The facts just kept replaying over and over in my mind.  Then Rod's words, over and over, on our way home.  "God knew what he was doing, and he showed us true love," (referring to me asking of all day's Valentines Day).  Tristan is the very essence of love.  Our journey is the very story of love.  Our son's life is proof of love.  Not only the love parents have for a child, but love for life, love for each other, love for family, love for our friends, and love for our Lord and Savior.  Tristan was born on February 14th.  The day we see as a day for love.  He was born on the day, that God could send a clear precise message.

But the Greatest of these is Love.

The Love a parent has to choose to carry a child knowing that child will not survive outside the womb. That is love.

The Love two people have for each other, to hold each other up as they both fall to their knees in despair, to hold each other's hands through the hardest of times, and not turn away.
That is love.

The Love a family has in supporting each other, crying with each other, and celebrating the brief life of a precious child.
That is love.

The Love of friends, that call and text, just to see how you are handling the day, or standing  by your bed side as you give birth to a silent child, or support you as you cry for what never will be.
That is love.

The Love only a gracious and merciful God can give.  One so powerful that comfort over powers your grief, as you kneel and sing to your child one last time or gives you strength as you carry him one last time. A love so powerful, that he gave up his son.  He sent his son to DIE, so I have the opportunity to see mine again.
That is love.

Tristan, was born on the day of love, because he is proof of love.

And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love.  But the Greatest of these is Love.

WE. In Honor of Tristan

April 10th.  

If you would have asked me last August what that date meant to me, I would have said it was the day that my second child is due.  The day that Elex would become a big brother.  Now, it’s just a reminder of my empty arms, and my aching heart.

As I lay in my husbands arms sobbing for my son, he reply's to my wails of how I miss my baby with a simple but jabbing answer. We all do.  Not, I know you do.  Not, I do too.  WE. A word in the English Language that is defined by a speaker that refers to himself or herself and one or more people considered together.  WE.  In other words, you are not alone.  You and I are not alone. WE. 

I then start remembering all the people that have known Tristan.  The many dear friends that were there that night at the hospital as we held Tristan in our arms, and shared our precious time with him.  The ones that held us in our greatest sorrow.  I remember the many people that have offered so many gestures of love through flowers, food, monetary gifts, and simple words of sorrow.  The many mothers I have shared my story, my anger, my anguish with that are just like me.

I am reminded that Tristan’s body is not present on this Earth, but he is HERE. 

He lives among us in our hearts.
In each gesture of love.
In each word of hope.
He lives.

April 10th, the day Tristan was suppose to enter this world.  April 10th, the day my heart hangs between sorrow and joy.  I praise God for choosing me to be Tristan’s mother, for letting me be a part of his short, but amazing life.   I truly believe Tristan was sent here to reach people that are lost, to help others find a deeper more significant relationship with our Father.  I believe that Tristan’s life although brief has and will continue to reach out long after his precious body has been laid into the ground. 

In Honor of Tristan’s Expected Arrival Date, and what would have been two months of his life.   Honor him, and let us know we are not alone in remembering him by doing a small act of kindness between the dates April 10th-April 14th.  Please comment, Facebook, email, or text me your act of kindness so I can place them in his journal that we write to him in.  I will also share the acts of kindness completed in his honor on my blog later next week.

I will forever and always, love you my Angel Fish.