2014...I am not ready for you to go

A year ago, I sat at my computer with my heart aching in pain, my eyes blurred by tears, and the fear of knowing what the next year would bring.  As I read over my post from last year, I found how incredibly similar I am feeling.  But this time, instead of dreading 2014 being upon us, I dread its passing.

Once again as others enter the new year with joy, I enter with heartache.  2015 means the year I held my baby boy is gone.  It means that I actually did have to become a different person, and we had to learn to be different family.  We will pass by this year just like we do in any other memory but will anyone remember him? Will they remember that Roderick Tristan Thompson did live?  He may have never breathed the air of this Earth or cried where anyone could hear but he DID live.  As 2014 passes us, I hurt.

I hurt for who I have had to become.  I hurt for the fact I have to explain heaven to my 3 year old, and that when we pass a cemetery he wants to know which one is his brothers headstone.  I hurt because instead of wrapping presents this Christmas for Tristan, I decorated a grave.  I hurt for my family, for we will never be complete, we will always have a hole and a missing piece.  I also hurt for the many families that are just like us.  The mothers that have shared their journeys and beautiful angels with me, that have given me hope.

I hate to see 2014 go, its passing signifies the year that brought although so much pain, brought my angel to my arms.  My knees to the ground, my love for the Lord, and for my family and friends to a greater place.

So what did I learn in 2014?
I learned and continue to learn to live in a grief, to be someone I never imagined I would have to be.

I learned to give everything to the Lord, and lay it at his feet.  This was a hard one for me since I am such a control freak, but I have learned to let the little things go.

I learned that my family will always be there to give me great hugs when I miss my son, even if it is at the airport as I hug them for the first time in 3 years or on Christmas day when my heart aches for him.

I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

I learned that a 3 year old can understand so much more than I could ever anticipate, and I see the face of Jesus in his innocence.

I learned that it is okay to cry at the sight of pregnant woman, new babies, and babies that would have been the same age as Tristan.  I just swallow the jealously the best I can, bow my head, and tell him, I know I do not understand, but just give me peace.

I learned that God has some amazing plans, even when I may hate part of it with all of my heart.  I have to trust him.

I learned that I only thought I loved the man I married.  I would have never imagined the love I feel for him through such a storm in our marriage.  We were told over and over, marriages will struggle through loss.  You will have problems.  God guided us through and continues to do so as we grieve in very different ways for our son.  But he has shown me that the love I hold for Roderick has no end.  He is truly the man I was meant to be with.

I learned that just because I do not know what is to come, doesn't mean God doesn't have something amazing on the horizon.

2014 brought great pain, but it also brought great comfort from the Lord.  I am not ready to say goodbye to 2014, for it holds to many memories.  But 2015 stands for the year that God renews my family, and gives us his promise after a storm.

So what does 2015 mean to me?

2015 means a beautiful rainbow that I pray I get to bring home.  A beautiful baby girl that we are impatiently waiting to arrive, Adalynn Faith Thompson.

2015 means learning to love this sweet baby, while I continue to long for her older brother I will never get to hold.

2015 means stepping up and being a voice for those like us, to show that they are NOT alone in this journey.

2015 means listening even more to God and stepping out onto unsure ground.

2015 means having faith that his plans will guide me to where I need to be, even though I may not see the end of the tunnel yet.

2015 means surviving each day, balancing grief and joy

2015 means believing more than ever in the Hope of the Lord.

2015 means taking chances, so I can help others, and reach out to them.

2015 means leaving all the unknown to God, and allowing him to direct us.

So please, don't judge us.  For you do not know this journey in which we walk.  We have been asked to carry a very heavy load, one in which we know we are unable to carry without the Lord beside us.  We may cry at what should be joyous occasions.  We may seem nervous over small things, and extremely cautious over our children.   We may seem a bit odd by always saying Tristan's name or always saying we have three children.  It may seem like we should be over it or that this new baby should make it all better.  But understand, unless you have been in our shoes, there is no way for you to ever understand.  I pray that you never do.  Our son may not be here physically but he is here with us in our hearts.  He will ALWAYS be a part of this family.  He will ALWAYS be counted as one of my children, and I will ALWAYS say his name.

2014 maybe gone, but his memories and the love we hold for him will NEVER disappear.  Our grieving does not stop with the passing of the year, it simply becomes a part of us.

So as I wipe my tears from the pain I know I will always endure, I smile knowing the comfort and the promises my Lord has and continues to bring to me.